Friday, February 17, 2012

I don't want to he homesick, but I am

I just finished reading Carol Lynn Pearson's memoir "goodbye I Love You.". It was poignant and moving and affirmed my belief in the fact that "gayness" is not a choice, a syndrome, an illness, or a disease. It is the way some people are.
One thing that stood out to me was a line in which Gerald says how he loves the Mormon church, but that the church despised him.
This is so close to my heart. I don't want to want Mormonism. I don't want to miss it. I don't want it to be who I am. I want to be rid of it. I want to be free of it. But I can't. It is like trying to separate my spirit from my body. I could not remain ME without it.
I tried to explain it to my mom, and she didn't get it. I don't know if anyone who doesn't know the depth of misery rejection from the church causes will ever understand what it feels like to be disowned by their family.
The LDS church is the foundation of my life. My home. My people. My family. Mormonism is the basis of all that I am. My morals. My values. My hopes. My future.
I WANT TO GO HOME. And I hate myself for that. I want to rip the Mormon out of me. I want to be free of the chains of Mormonism. But at the same time, I want to go home.
And I can't.
I stand on the opposite side of the battle in so many ways. I just don't see how I can go home again.
I want to.
I carry on
Ignoring the ache for my home
Knowing I am not the prodigal son
I am the pariah
I am the leper
I cannot go home
I stand at the gate
And nobody answers the knocking of my small and bloody fist.
The sound reverberates off the empty walls.
Nobody hears me.
I am crying into the wind
Choking on the pain.
Suffocating on the accusations, the defenses, all the words I never said. All the words they wouldn't share.
I hurt
And nobody can hear my pleas for love.
Screaming into a vast expansive void
Hearing only my echo in reply
Will the loneliness never end?
Will the answers never come?
Am I destined to be the wanderer forever?
Or can I ever go back home?

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