Saturday, November 20, 2010

It is not okay

At first, there was blinding pain.  Then, there was a raging fire.  Next, there was the hope of healing.  After that, a painful void.  Now, there is a feeling that is not a describable feeling.  Maybe it is somewhere between confusion, sorrow, grief, and bewilderment. 
I know many people who have left the church.   I know many people who just grow away from it and never look back.  I know people who fade out, and then fade back in.  I know people who are kicked out, but it is when they have gone seeking advice, help, acceptance, and repentance. 
I am none of these.  I was kicked out when I had stepped back.  I was too far away to be pulled back in, but too close not to care.
I say I don't care.  I say that I am fine.  I say that God's love is enough- and it should be.  But I am beginning to fear that it is all a lie.
I have read through my previous posts.  They stole my religion, my faith, my hope.  But what I didn't realize is they stole so much more.  They stole my ability to play the piano- for every time I sit down to play, I think of them.  They stole my ability to attend church- for every time I do, I think of them.  They stole my ability to pray- for every time I do, I think of them. 
I am beginning to realize a few things.  I am a Mormon.  I don't want to be a Mormon.  I believe the Church is corrupted, that men are making decisions that should be left to God.  I will not belong to any organization where I give control of my life, my soul, and my childrens' salvation to a mortal man.
I can not disbelieve Joseph Smith.  I can not disbelieve the word of God.  I can not disbelieve the things my ancestors lived, suffered, and died for.  I can not believe another religion.  I can not exist without one. 
I remain a woman without a religion.  Only now, I realize that it is not going to get better.  Only now, I realize that this banishment is real, is permanent, is final.  I will not deny my conscience and the truth of my soul.  And for that, I will remain here in limbo, unable to move back to this religion that broke my heart, but still attached as to be unable to move forward towards hope.
I understand, for the first time, Romeo's words, "say death, not banishment.  There is no life without Verona's walls". 
There was nowhere for Romeo to go where he could live in peace and happiness without Verona.  There is nowhere for Grace to go where she can worship in peace and happiness.  At least Romeo knew his love waited for him in Verona, for me, there is no going back for they have barred the door with their ignorance of what I've done and why I've done it.
If only that Bishop had opened his heart to God... If only he had listened to the Father... if only he could have seen in my heart what God could see.. If only he had been guided by the Light of the Spirit instead of the voice of man... If only... If only...If only...
I would not be in this twilight world.
My testimony:  I don't know anymore.