Thursday, July 22, 2010


During the worst part of this pain, I didn't keep a blog or a journal.  It happened during such a busy time that I had no time to write- and I wish so much that I had been able to.  I so wish that I had been able to track my pain, to write when the wounds were fresh, to always remember the searing pain to my heart.  I wish I had... but I can't change that now.  Once I started this blog, I was at a pretty good place.  I spent several months feeling like I was okay now.  Maybe it was only one month, six weeks, but enough time that I thought I was healed. 
But I'm not.  Some days everything is fine.  Some days are great and I glory in the love of God.  Some days I feel like there is a vast black emptiness in my soul.  Some days, I feel like I have left God behind and struck out on my own.  Some days, I feel blasphemous just for being happy.  Some days I feel that it is wrong for me to enjoy my life without the LDS church.  Some days I feel prideful- like I have taken all credit for my life being good and denied that it was God who gave me all that I have. 
Why must I feel this way?  Why must I feel as though I have to be Mormon to be one with God? 
These people broke me.  They broke my heart, they broke my trust, they broke my belief in their unity with God.  Why can it still hurt so much?
I have put so much distance between me and them. 
A church friend called and wanted to have lunch- I denied her even that because it would hurt me.  Is it wrong to protect my heart from further pain?  Maybe I should have gone so she would not feel rejection as I have...
I am having a celebration of an important event in my life- I will invite nobody from the church.  Is it wrong to want only happiness on my joyous day? 
I saw a family from the church.  The wife asked a question.  The husband (who knows what happened) turned his head and never even looked at me.  Is it still wrong to protect myself from them?
I have left the LDS church.  I have not stepped back.  I have not taken a break.  I am not going through a disciplinary action.  I am gone. 
The scriptures say in 1 Corinthians 13:13, "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."  These people have destroyed my faith in their religion and their leaders.  They have broken my hope.  They have denied me charity.  When- according to them- I was in the most need of help and love, they cast me out into the darkness of the world. 
What do I owe these people?  What do they owe me?  Nothing.  I am nothing to them as they are nothing to me.
God is love.  That is my favorite scripture, and always has been.  If something is not love, it is not of God.  Simple.  Case closed.
So why did I wake up this morning to my mind writing a letter in my head to the stake president about how unfairly I was treated?  Why?  Why?  WHY? 
I cannot believe that they are right.  So much of what has happened goes against God.  There are so many beliefs they have that I just do not share.  I know that God is God no matter where or how one worships.  I know this.
Why do I let this eat me up inside?  The only explanation I can come up with is that I spent 30 years eating, drinking, breathing, living, learning this religion and so I know nothing else.  It is through this church that I found God. 
And the worst part, the most unspeakable part of all is that when I pray, I feel like nobody is listening.  Not anymore.  Not to me.  Not to anything I say.  And the only reason I can think for Him ignoring me is that I'm wrong...
And the emptiness I thought was shrinking was just moving around.  And now it fills me more completely.  The sobbing and shaking have subsided, and I am now left with just a dull, unending void.